Black Mistrust

When I first arrived in Washington DC I was romantically in love with Howard University. Since my arrival more than two years ago my relationship with the school has cooled considerable. Where I once day dreamed of myself as one day attending the school I now think I would haver trouble going to the school even if I was given a free ride. 

I know that is saying a lot given the soaring price of a college education now a days, not to mention that Howard is a private institute. Still there is something that repels me from the school, it is the same things that attracts me to the school. At a young age and more than once I learned the fallacy of choosing a school or making academic decisions based on lust or based on pursuit of a woman. (Something i oddly enough may yet do again) I cannot go to Howard because in short I know that I would be distracted by the woman. I say this not because I am strikingly handsome, I say this not because I think myself irresistible. My modesty and self deprecation allow me to say the contrary, and yet the reason that I cannot go to the school still remains because of the women. Regardless of the fact of my level of attractiveness would not stop me from finding their dress and very basic womanly nature attractive. I knowing myself as what I would regard as a weak man do not even want to put myself in the direct line of fire of the lustful walk and appearance of the woman of Howard.

However that would all be very immature just for me to say that I cannot go to Howard because the woman are too attractive and I am to much of a weak man to control my sexual urges. It is more to it than that. It is the fact that black run anything has the stereotype of being ill run. I find through recounts of first hand experiences that Howard suffers from black mistrust and mishandling. In my attempts to gain employment I saw first hand how unprofessional the staff is and how the tint of ones skin garnishes one extra attention. This is disgusting. One thing I will never have is patience for the practice in the black community of racism within its self. But this is not an essay so I will not rant in that way. I will admit that I am harsher on Negroes than I am on any other race. Yet that is a reason why i want to take at least a few classes of some kind at the school.

I know from hearing stories from the several professors and students that the social life of Howard is demanding. I have long given up on trying to be social at school, if a friendship develops it develops but I am not one for going out and drinking with classmates. I am not one to really care about the latest clothing trends or trying to impress my class mates with how "cool" and uncaring I can be about certain topics. I learned the hard way that employers do not care about how cool you are or how fashion forward you may be, just as long as you have the education to back up your presence in their office. That is my motivation in school now, education. Yet I want to be challenged by Howard, I want to be held to a higher standard that Negroes will hold to each other when Americans are not around.

It feels me with dread and a bit of self loathing to know that I am thinking of not going to a historically black school when I have the chance all because I do not trust the Negro education system.(Or the American one for that matter) So what does that make me? A traitor? A sell out? The dreaded uncle tom?